The Graduation Chronicles

I have started a new blog called "The Graduation Chronicles" over at lexkitten.blogspot.com. The past few months have been heavy with indecision, nervous energy and fear of the unknown, so I have decided to channel all of that into something useful. I'll be blogging about the months leading up to graduation, interviewing my friends about their experiences, and I will be doing this while crossing the boundary into the unknown fully adult world. I hope any readers will follow me there.

10/26/09

Good Morning All!
What's going on in my life:

Woke up to the sounds of my roommates talking very loudly and laughing outside my door this morning again. It's ridiculous that they really don't think I can hear them or they just don't care, but as many of you know I refuse to ask them to stop even though it wakes me up much earlier than I need to be awake. Why? Because that would stop my evil plan of knowing when

they talk about me behind my back. This has saved my hide many a time so don't knock it. Plus even if I did ask them to stop, they probably wouldn't.

Dear Biological Father

What do you dream about? I dream of danger. In my dreams there is always someone more powerful than I am, ready to attack. Do you dream of attackers? Or do you dream of attacking someone else? Do you dream of the things you did to me? I dream about it. I dream of others doing the same. I carry pepper spray and my car keys between my fingers. It never helps. They always win. You always win.

Wow...

So much to talk about.. it's been forever...

Let's start where we left off.

I worked for LJMS (La Jolla Music Society) this August and it was fun-fillled and action packed with more than a little stress on the side. Last year all I did was have fun because at the end of the day, the ball was on someone else's shoulders and this year all of that fell to me. This is not to say I didn't have fun. There were more than a couple work parties and a certain night which ended in a skinny swim at 3:00 am, but that's another story I shall have to keep to myself (at least not on the web so if you want info, call me.)

Juvenile Moments

For the last six days I've managed to act completely normal, as if we were nothing more than we are, a musician and his stage manager. Now all of the sudden I'm staring. Right now on his last night, I can't stop looking at his face, the curve of his jaw line up to his cheeks. the shape of his nose and lips. I watch his eyes staring off into the distance, preying he doesn't look my way, because I wouldn't be able to hide my fascination. I would be undeniably caught.

Yet even as I know this, and I know that would be a disaster, I have an uncontrollable urge to connect. Slowly I reach for the pad of paper I keep with me at all times, quietly so as to not disturb even him.

"What are you thinking?" I write and pass the pad to him. He doesn't know what to do with the pad I am passing him and is confused even more by the pen which comes along with it, but as soon as he reads the note, he laughs silently. Inside I cringe with his understanding. The whole thing is so juvenile. I'm passing my crush a note backstage in the dark, with the most unorigional question in the world. He must know in this instant what a dork I am. He must know that I hopelessly adore him.

Still smiling he writes back. "I'm thinking about what I'll be like when I'm 84." He hesitates then writes, "You?"

Trying desperately to save face, I write, "You just looked so serious."

He laughs again without making a sound and settles back into watching the rest of the concert. I'm glowing inside with the fact that I have even talked to him, and known one of his thoughts, while at the same time kicking myself for being so childish.

This is the last time we really talk.

"Twilight Ruined Comic Con"

Image by Howie Muzika via Flickr

But did it really? This has been bugging me since I watched a group of boys carry a sign around the Con painted with exactly that phrase, "Twilight ruined Comic Con."

My question is, "How?" If anything, Comic Con ruined Comic Con. Now before you scream at me how I'm wrong or tell me how crappy Twilight is, think about it.

Twilight is fantasy, with Vampires and werewolves and lore up the wazoo. It is a published novel and feature film with legitimate fans who love the creation. Now you may think it's crappy, and I may have come to see through it's delusions, however, it is fantasy. Comic Con is all about the fantasy, and sci-fi and anything else that can be related through comics.

The things I think don't belong at Comic Con (as much as I love them) are panels for shows like Weeds, or 24 or Bones, because as great as they are, they have nothing to do w

Image by Howie Muzika via Flickr

ith comics or fantasy or sci-fi in any way shape or form. That is what the Con is all about, am I right?

Home Base Operations (aka Why I'm Not Calling You)

So, I have this job in August that I have been scheduled to do for almost 4 months now. No I don't work for the President, nor do my duties involve life or death on a regular basis, however it is a JOB, and therefor should be taken seriously.

I work most days from 8 am to 10 pm and when I'm not at work, I'm either driving to or from, trying to put together food for my day or sleeping because I'm utterly exhausted. So no, I'm sorry I don't have time to call you, or answer a million texts from you. If this upsets you or you feel slighted, I'm sorry, I can't change that. I've been warning everyone in my life for months now that this was coming, and this is very important to me.

No, I can't just leave the room any time I want to answer the phone, or make a call. I am in the middle of back to back rehearsals most days, both taking care of the performers onstage and solving problems for that evening's concert. Yes I have two assistants, but neither of them have ever been through SummerFest before and therefor I am the only one who knows the answers o questions the musicians might have. That is what I'm here for. The only reason I'm able to write this now, is because I have my computer in front of me while I sit in rehearsal.

This is a job in which I have worked my way up. Last year I was the ASM and this year I am the lead Stage Manager. This is one of the few stage management jobs in which I actually enjoy myself, and feel like I have accomplished something. I work with world famous classical musicians, people who have been in the business for the last 5 decades, like Menahem Pressler who is performing tonight. I get to listen to some of the most amazing musicians performing most intricate music in the world.

This the field that if I do stage manage at all, I will be stage managing in. Classical Music Festivals and concerts.

So when you text me 5 times a day and get upset because I'm not calling you back, know that frankly I am upset that you are tying up my work phone line and interupting the busy schedule that is my day. Yes I miss you, but I am fulfilling my dreams at the moment and I have to put myself first at the moment. (Espeacially when I usually go out of my way and put everyone else first most of the time.)

If you have a problem with that, I can't help you.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then don't worry. I love you and I'll see you in a month.

P.S. Maybe if you were more understanding, I would be a little more willing to use my miniscule breaks to call you back.

Is My Name Nancy Botwin?

If you're wondering why I haven't posted in a while, it's for the simple reason that life likes to crap on me. In fact, lately it seems this is my sole purpose in life.

I was watching Weeds earlier this evening, and I sat there watching Nancy Botwin get screwed and worked over until it looks as though she can't stand anymore. She finally learns to manage her current crappy situation with steady hands, however 5 seconds later life dumps a pile of crap on her door (or a trunk of cocaine in her garage).

I thought, "Why does this happen to her? Why can't everyone in her life simply recognize that this is not the time to fuck with her, and perhaps they should just let her do what she planned to do. And more importantly, why am I crying when this is supposed to be a comedy?"

Then it hit me. I am Nancy. Every time I learn to handle one thing and survive just one more day to get through whatever is going on, life hits me with another slam. From the repercussions of being unable to turn people down, to finals, to death, to contact with an estranged parent, life dumps more pain on top of bills on top of work for me to figure out and frankly I'm sick of it. I'm done with this crap that is my life and yet I don't know how to get out.

Image by txusger via Flickr

I'm out of ideas and suggestions. I can't look to the real Nancy for suggestions because her answers only seem to get her in more trouble.

So I'm sitting here waiting... for the show to play out. And Nancy better have a fucking nice happy ending. That's all I have got to say.

6/21/09

so I didn't drive home.

my mom convinced me to stay so that we could actually spend some time together and do adult together things....

instead we did the same things we did before

today my grandfather asked if she was putting me to work as a joke... my mom said she wished again like a joke but the reference is that I don't do anything for her which is not the case

I clean u messes which are not my mess. I babysit so that she can go out with her friends. I am not her maid or her nanny and yet i do these things as if they are part of my job and without thanks.

and then she wonders why I'm so so so so glad to be going home tomorrow

hmm i wonder

6/19/09

Is it just me that this letter is filled with condescension? Is it just me that "tking the high road" sounds an awful lot like acting like the victim against the attacker? Is this always the case? i would really appreciate your feedback on this please... any which way the truth comes.

Dear Alicia

Please know that I have always loved you and will always love you, just as I love all my children and grandchildren. There is nothing you can do that will change that. To the best of my ability and given my life circumstances, I have been the best grandmother I know how to be, and for that reason it is my opinion that I deserve to be treated with respect. If you believe I have done or said something causing you to be upset or angry, please know that was never my intention. Nevertheless, I do apologize if you are upset by anything I did or said.

I agree that perhaps we should not communicate for awhile. When we can communicate with mutual respect, that will be much more fruitful. At that time, if it comes, I look forward to having a caring, loving, and mutually beneficial relationship with you. In the meantime, I wish for you only that you be the happiest you can be.

With love,

Miya

Things I Dealt With Today Part Three (6/17/09)

Before you read the last installment keep in mind that on the upside I am in a great mood now because I took my older foster daughter to see "Up" in 3D and it was fantastic. We ate sushi and hung out. I taught her how to play Sudoku and bought her one of her favorite books and an agenda to keep her days straight. I'm also heading home tomorrow so although I'm sad to leave my girls and sad that I didn't get to spend more time with the rest of my family... I'm extremly happy.

1. My mom stood by and let me start eating a chicken salad sandwich (which I thought was tuna) then proceeded to tell me "I wish you had asked before if you weren't going to finish it." I**F? I'm a freaking Veggie or Pescatarian (Thank you Sophie for the word). Of course I'm not going to finish it. Or do I just randomly off and on make life changing decisions. Of course I do because I'm me. (can you hear the sarcasm coming out of my ears?)

2. I then proceeded to get food poisoning from what I discovered to be expired tuna (may) only to later learn that the mayo (april) was expired as well.
**Lesson: never eat anything in my mom's house

3. My mom proceeded to dirty the living room again which I had just cleaned for her, leaving me once more with no place to sit and then acted like I was retarded for wanting a place to sit. Then got extremely upset when I wanted to move the garbage can near the stairs (the only place to sit) so I could peel my egg. Then, because I raised my voice told me I had worn out my welcome (when I have only been here a week).
*If this seems petty, that's because it is... she overreacts, I react to her drama and then get accused of overreacting. Endless cycle.
***Later she acted as though nothing was wrong and she hadn't just told me to go home for the second time on this trip*@*. I'm sorry, does someone have a spilt personality?

*@* the first occured the fisrt night I was here when i dared suggest that instead of making me go to bed or sit in silence at 8 pm, she simple turn on the baby monitor and close her bedroom door so that she didn't have to hear the tv or the comp. I know, novel concept, actually using the baby monitor.

Things I Dealt With Today Part Two (6/17/09)

Message I Left for Father:

"Hello, this is Alicia-Marie. I am calling to let you know that I am not ready to forgive you. I don't know when I will be ready to forgive you, but until then, I would appreciate it if you would not call me or text me or tr to contact me in any way."

Text he sent me back:

"ok.. But I am wanting to love you, I have to respect your needs first, so I agree to do what you say, but when you have forgiveness for me, I am good man"

**no I did not skip any words, that is the exact text
**also, "I am wanting to love you" is just so creepy it makes my skin crawl and I had to stop reading put it away and then try to get through the text message about 4 times today... He makes me sick

Things I Dealt With Today Part One (6/17/09)

From: Susan Howard
To: Alicia-Marie Hutchinson ; sashababy-89@yahoo.com
Sent: Wednesday, June 17, 2009 11:50:13 AM
Subject: Hi

Hi. How is everything going with you? I am extremely busy at work and it is real stressful. Plus we are dealing with the emotional loss of Wardale. Aaron and I didn’t come because he didn’t want to make you and your sister uncomfortable with his or my presents. That is too bad we had to feel that way. I would have liked to have seen you both but I seem to be persona non grata. I hope you and she will forgive me for whatever sins you preserve I have or have done to you. Life is too short to spend so much time being hateful.

I called both of you when I got the word about Wardale and left a message for you to call saying that it was important. Neither of you called back. I guess I will have to wait until you see fit to forgive or whatever.

I hope life is being good to you both. I love you and hope I hear from you sooner than later.

---

From: Alicia-Marie Hutchinson [mailto:mariec_530@yahoo.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 17, 2009 1:32 PM
To: Susan Howard
Subject: Re: Hi

Neither Norma or I behaved wrongly in anyway to create the rift within this family. Aaron made a choice on many occasions to act in a manner that was detrimental to the health of his first three children His actions are the cause of this rift. You made the choice to stick by your son. I do not blame you for that. But when you do so at the detriment of your grandchild, that is another choice you made. Do not put the blame on us. Do not act like either of us control your actions. You are not the victim, stop acting like you are. I am not hateful. I d not hate either of you. I dislike my father and the actions he has chosen to take. I dislike the choices you have made. Do not twist the situation.

I did not call you back. I do not have energy or patience to deal with your logic at the moment. I do not have the energy or need to listen to the denial you have when it comes to my father. He has not admitted what he did yet. I am not ready to forgive him. If you feel that is wrong, then too bad. It is not about you or him, it is about me. He took my choices away for many years. He does not get power over my choices now. I will make the decision to forgive when I am good and ready and if it is in 30 years from now or even long after both he and I are dead, then that is just too bad. I will not rush my decision to make anyone else feel better.

I do not wish to hear from you again for a while.

---

From: Susan Howard <Susan.Howard@CenturyTel.com>
To: Alicia-Marie Hutchinson <mariec_530@yahoo.com>
Sent: Wednesday, June 17, 2009 1:40:01 PM
Subject: RE: Hi

Wow and you do not call that hateful? I will not contact you again until you decide and then I will not hold it against you for your unbending nature and the time we will lose if I am still here.

---

From: Alicia-Marie Hutchinson [mailto:mariec_530@yahoo.com]
Sent: Wednesday, June 17, 2009 1:46 PM
To: Susan Howard
Subject: Re: Hi

it's not hateful.. it was honest and i don't appreciate your little digs at the end of every email

6/12/09

So couple things:

1. I seem to be making lists a lot and I just realized this but it's not going to stop me
2. I'm back down to 2 days without meat.. my mom made a meatloaf special for me upon my arrival because apparently I didn't tell her I was a veggie and so I ate it... which proceeded to upset my stomach (it prolly didn't help that I was upset I ate it.)
3. Tomorrow is Zhoe's baptism which will be long, boring, religious and immediately followed by a reception filled with people I don't like (Fun!)
4. I got a new purse (don't laugh - I'm excited)
5. it seems like everytime I am up in the Bay Area, these friends have nothing going on while everone in San Diego wants to be my best friend now and vice versa.... wtf!
6. I'm tired... need to go to bed

P.S. Wicked the second time? Just as good as the first... and boy do I love that musical + you can tell that Chloe loved it because she stayed awake through the whole thing until 11:00 pm then promptly passed out in the car on the ride home

Love

6/9/09

The Agenda for Today:

1. Pack for Home
2. Excessive amounts of nothing
3. perhaps drink later

So all in all full calender.

Tomorrow I'm on my way up to Taft county in order to take care of a traffic ticket and throw myself on the mercy of the court.

Then it's a night in a hotel before heading home to see Wicked in San Fransisco with my foster baby Chloe and then into bed for me.

Zhoe's baptism is this Saturday so I wont be back until at least Tuesday.

See you all then.

6/8/09

on the agenda for today:

1. shower
2. movies with ali
3. traffic ticket figuring out
4. health care figuring out
5. maybe do some more packing when it's all done


**Also if you havn't heard. We are marching on Washington DC on October 11th for LGTBQ rights. Be there or be square. I'll write when I have more details.**

technically 6/8/09

I just had to post this again... because Allynose is just that darn cute!

and my music player needs to stop skipping through THC.

6/7/09

Went out last night to JT's... drank a little danced a little met a couple new people. All in all, a good night.

I definitely need to go out more, but this is infinitely hindered by my current car situation.

If anyone want's to come pick me up, I'm game for hang out sessions.

6/3/09 again

I feel like whenever I go out with anyone or hang out, I just disappear into the background somehow. It's like no matter how smart comebacks I make or how impish I act, no one can ever remember me the next day. I make no impression. Unless I am their stage manager, people have to ask me how I'm involved with the show.

What is it about me that people don't want to learn more about?

And I feel really self-indulgent just saying these things, like I should be happy with what I have, but the truth is, it hurts when the people whose birthdays I would go to and support, don't want to celebrate mine.

And the truth is, that this isn't a new phenomena. I've never had a party, let alone a birthday party, that even half the people I invite showed up.

Meiko: Hawaii

I wanna go to Hawaii
Build my castle out of sand
I won't need anybody
Telling me that i can't

And you can't see that you see me
If you don't know who i am
You can't see that you need me
And neither one of us can be found
And neither of of us can be found

I wanna soak up the water
I dream about you every night
And in my mind will be an order
Take it away in just one flight

And you can't see that you see me
If you don't know who i am
You can't see that you need me
And neither one of us can be found
And neither one of us can be found
And neither one of us can be found

6/03/09

Don't think it's going to work to find a job before my summer gig kicks in... so I guess I am going to have to focus on other things.

Things to do:
1. Write my novel (thetigercry.blogspot.com)
2. figure out how to live off the little money I have
3. research for Mark Twain's Cenetary Tribute (sdsutwain.blogspot.com)

wish me luck

Also, our house is infested with flies somehow, big shocker when no one cleans up. Even more annoying when no one cleans up before leaving for the weekend, leaving me forced to scrub the house top to bottom so that I can throw myself a birthday party, that no one showed up to.

Oh, and I got a text from interest of a while ago at 2:00 am "Sorry I missed your bday."
I only reminded you about it two days earlier you big ass.

Today was not a good day. The only bright spot of the entire day was recieving this from my mom:


hope everyone else's day tomorrow is as good as mine sucked today