Dear Biological Father

What do you dream about? I dream of danger. In my dreams there is always someone more powerful than I am, ready to attack. Do you dream of attackers? Or do you dream of attacking someone else? Do you dream of the things you did to me? I dream about it. I dream of others doing the same. I carry pepper spray and my car keys between my fingers. It never helps. They always win. You always win.

I dream of blood and death and my teeth falling out one by one. I dream and sleep and never leave my bed. I'm held captive in my dreams, so I can never truly wake up. I lay in bed even as I am in class, waiting to fully awake and live my life.

Is this your fault? Or is there something wrong with me? I know your answer. Your answer would be to patronize me. You would say, “Of course it's you. I don't even know what you are talking about.”

You did say that. You said you didn't remember the things you did to me. You said you don't remember hurting me. It's all in my head. You asked me to tell you of the things. You asked in order to relive them through my telling. You asked so that you could blame these things on my brain, and soul. You asked so you could pretend that it was my wishful thinking. I wont play that game. I did not tell you. I told you to look within yourself. You still haven't answered me.

I long to replace you. When I look for a man I could love, I look for fathers. I look for men that are able to take care of me, because if they can take care of me, then they can care for our children. I will probably end up a 40 year old divorcee when he leaves me for the 20 year old, I no longer am. I think that is better than the possibility of ending up with someone like you.

Sincerely,

Your Daughter